A GIFT OF LIFE

Sometimes, we become so engrossed in our own struggles that we lose sight of the broader human experience. In our moments of despair, we complain, question our circumstances, and even challenge God.

Just days before Christmas last year (2015), I found myself facing a particularly difficult time in the hospital. The pain in my stomach was relentless, nearly unbearable. For three days, I endured strong painkillers and a series of treatments. On the fifth day, the doctors decided it was time for surgery. They reassured me that the condition wasn’t terminal; the organ they planned to remove was useful but not essential, something I could live without.

As I lay on the operating table, one of the doctors asked, “Are you ready, Sir?” “Yes, doctor,” I replied, steeling myself for what was to come. With that, I saw a large syringe that struck me to a deep slumber.

When I awoke, I heard a loud voice calling my name: “Wake up, Sir Ulysses.” My eyes fluttered open to a large room bustling with patients and nurses. Tremors ran through my body, and the pain in my stomach surged back, a stark reminder of my reality.

But in those fleeting moments before waking, I had experienced something profound. I had walked through a beautiful garden with a fatherly figure, engaged in an intimate conversation that filled my soul with warmth. Just as I was about to sit on a bench in that serene place, the vision faded, and I found myself back in the stark, sterile environment of the hospital.

Later, as I lay in bed, a news segment on the TV caught my attention. It was about the war in Syria, featuring a man forced to take up arms. He stood amidst the ruins of his shattered apartment, having lost everything, including his family. Injured during a battle, he prayed to Allah for the “gift of death.”

His bravery struck me. Despite the suffering and atrocities surrounding him, he didn’t complain or lose hope. In the face of death, he sought the “gift of death,” while most of us cling desperately to the “gift of life.”

In that moment, I realized that my own suffering paled in comparison to his. Yet, amidst everything, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I was thankful to God for the gift of life, even in the midst of pain. This experience illuminated the strength of the human spirit, reminding me that even in our darkest times, we can find solace and gratitude.

IT CAME TO PASS

Since childhood, I've been captivated by compelling stories, whether fiction or non-fiction. Even my own life feels like a narrative worth telling, prompting me to always keep a pen and a notebook close at hand.

Tonight, I stumbled upon a forgotten file tucked away in an old CD. It contained a narrative from the past, penned figuratively during a sleepless night. Clicking on that file reignited its unfolding story which goes like this: 

"On the 22^nd of December 1998 midnight I write:

In the stillness of the night, I remain awake in the solitude of my room in Cebu City. My mind wanders across the expanse of waters and islands towards Manila, consumed by thoughts of my wife and baby daughter whom I left behind. I am flooded with memories of them. I remember the wedding day and that day our baby was born. I could still picture myself carrying my baby in my arms waiting for her turn of vaccination in the clinic. All these memories are still very fresh. Yet, it feels as though ages have passed since I last held them close. Worst yet, I wasn't there on my baby's christening day.

It all started when my workplace was affected by a restructuring scheme, thereby forcing the employees affected for a force resignation. And so, in a round table discussion, I was presented with an offer sheet outlining what I stood to gain in exchange for forfeiting my job, a proposition that left me bewildered, particularly as a man newly entrusted with a family. Naturally, I hesitated to sign the papers.

A few days later, almost as if plagued by conscience, they presented me with a second option, though neither choice appealed to me. Thus, I found myself able to keep my job, albeit under the condition of working far from my family and home.

On the bright side, this situation allowed me to return to my roots, back to the place I was born, my beloved hometown of Cebu.

Life is inherently unpredictable. We strive to mold our destinies, yet we cannot evade the true course set by fate. Apparently, it is akin to the will of God. We may chart our paths, but not everyone will ultimately reach the chosen destination. The world evolves continually, and so do we. As a wise philosopher remarked, "change is the only constant."

The way I was raised since childhood serves as a constant reminder of this truth. It often felt like being tossed back and forth on a trapeze, where survival hinged solely on the strength of my grip.

Puberty marked a sudden halt in my world. I felt completely lost in a maze, overshadowed by my older siblings. Reluctantly, I lingered in a limbo of uncertainty. As everything seemed to crumble around me, my only solace lay in trying my best to piece together the fragments.

I drifted through an aimless existence. It was like sailing on an unknown vast ocean, following wherever the currents led. Along the way, there was a constant struggle between good and evil, virtue and vice. But in spite of it all, I never once felt justified in complaining. Because deep down, I always knew there was goodness within me, and that belief sustained me.

Whether facing the chilling cold of early morning, the scorching heat of midday sun, feeling the stinging sensation of raindrops on my back, or groping my way through muddy rice fields at dusk, none of it mattered. I found immense joy in these experiences, especially in being so intimately connected with nature.  

There was the perpetual caress and fragrance of refreshing winds. The gentle serenade of birds perched atop mangrove trees and fluttering above rice fields was akin to sweet music. The sight of small sea creatures crawling on the ground and swimming in shallow waters was truly mesmerizing. 

Occasionally, a vibrant rainbow would suddenly appear in the sky after a rainfall, a marvel to behold. I would extend my hands and wade into the waters, yearning to touch it. These are testaments of nature's splendor.

Nevertheless, it was the abundance of the ocean that helped the family to sustain against adversity brought about by destitution.

Sometimes, God allows us to face difficult situations to teach us to appreciate goodness and to be grateful for the blessings that follow. Such was the case when a sibling faced harm, causing profound anxiety in our family. This event prompted us to make a permanent move to our current residence, the mountainside.

Initially, the hilly countryside held little allure for me because I longed for my childhood friends and the vibrant coastal life. However, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Since I found few peers who shared same social standing, left me feeling partially isolated from my comfort zone. This feeling of solitude allowed me to reflect on my situation and realize that my future rested solely in my own hands.

My two idle years slipped by. Armed with determination, I broke through the barriers to my future and made a pivotal decision to reclaim the time I had wasted. With each passing year, supported by a family member, I steadily regained my footing.

And so, it came to pass.

Having been away in school so long, each day was a struggle, but happy to be back in the right place where I should be. And so, I wrote this poem to let that spirit show:  

High school was a tempest for my restless soul,

To regain lost knowledge, had become my role.

Days slipped away like whispers in the night,

Piece by piece, I fought to reclaim my light.

With each step forward, I stood my ground,

A phoenix rising, in the competition I found.

Soon, I stood tall, with my spirit unconfined,

Atop the highest ranks, my purpose aligned.

Three years unfurled my dreams with grace,

My dedication shone, illuminating my place.

Best in Conduct, I wore that pride like a crown,

A moment I knew, that could turn my life around.

I was honored for my conduct on a graduation ceremony, marking a newfound stability, a little ray of hope. Yet, the path to my next milestone remained uncertain.

And so, it came to pass.

One day, I awoke to find myself in a place unfamiliar, no longer my own room. When I committed to follow a higher calling, it led me to a community of men and brothers, all seekers of truth like me. 

Just by spending my first year within the confines of the seminary walls infused me with a newfound spirit. I grew in confidence, and the self-esteem buried in my youth began to emerge. 

However, it wasn't until my final three years of the five and a half total that the journey became challenging. The experiences felt underwhelming and at times futile. I endured pain but without a promise of future gain. It was time to move on and journey to the other side of life. 

I bid farewell to my comrades in faith and returned to my point of origin, my home. 

And so, it came to pass.

In the secular world, I scuffled my way to find my place to survive. It was much of a competitive world; I soon realized it is.  Although aware of the non-competitive nature of my background, I penetrated the workforce with only self-belief and determination as my weapon. What did I know about marketing, accounting, or banking? But I persisted and had sojourned into landing such jobs. 

And so, it came to past.    

My current job is the longest that I have in the past years, being here for more than three years, in the field of banking.

Believing to have found my niche, I tried to settle down and forget about the ecclesiastical and celibate calling that I had found in the past. 

And so, it was only few months ago that I tied the knot with my girlfriend for three years.

And three months ago, she gifted me with a baby, a gift, a blessing from above, giving us extraordinary joy, and her name is Maica Angela.

But it all came to pass, for tonight, I miss her so.

photo taken October 17, 1998, Caloocan City

And that's my story.

It's now time to put myself to sleep, my pen and notebook as well.

Good night to me and all the noisy crickets and nocturnal creatures out there!

Ulysses Ybiernas 12/22/98