A TRUE STORY OF FEAR AND SURVIVAL
MY PERSONAL JOURNEY
On My Battle On Anxiety
Around 2005, when I was about 38 years old, my health went on a terrifying roller-coaster. It wasn’t just one symptom, it was many, multiplying, and relentless: acute stomach problems / bloated stomach/ IBS / GERD (though medical exams showed no physical damage), constant migraines, blurring eye sight, nausea and constant vomitting, frequent defecation many times in a day (as if with an acute diarrhea), unrelaxed state of mind and body, shortness of breath, lost of appetite, insomnia, palpitations, weak limbs, terrible fear (my mind was obsessed with the thought that death was closing in on me).
These episodes weren’t occasional: they repeated, and badly, I found myself in ER rooms many times, feeling like I was going to collapse or that I was dying, but the lab results always came back normal.
I saw doctors of many specialties, but no one could pinpoint a cure. I also turned to a psychiatrist, acknowledging that something was off, emotionally or mentally, and was prescribed a mild dose of antipsychotic medication (for schizophrenic patients), but that was too strong. I threw them away; the effects were overwhelming.
Professionally, I was suffering as well. My condition affected my attendance so badly that I even considered resigning from my job. I was absent far too often, and I worried it would eventually cost me my position. Fortunately, my boss was neither strict nor overly particular about my absences. That understanding gave me the breathing room I needed during a very difficult time, and it kept me from making a decision I might later have regretted.
For three long years, I endured this, not fully understanding what it was. Over time, though, I learned to live with it, to manage it. I didn’t suddenly “get better” with one miraculous cure, but I gradually found my way.
What I Believe Drove the Illness
From where I stood, there were two strong suspects in what caused or fueled this mental anguish: the spiritual and the physiological.
Suspect #1: Spiritual Disturbance
Before I fell ill, sometime between 2000 and 2005, I began experiencing unusual, almost supernatural occurrences at work. The place felt haunted. Some colleagues claimed to see shadows moving around, and one co-worker, who said he had a “third eye,” reported seeing dark entities lingering in the office. Things became unsettling enough that we eventually invited priests to celebrate Mass, offer deliverance prayers, and bless the entire workplace with holy water.
One particularly jarring episode: As I returned to work, I find my cell phone (which I’d left in the office over the weekend) showing a chat group, something totally impossible given the technology we had at the time. My cellphone was not smart yet to have such feature, it was only for calling and texting.
The participants had sinister names like Satan, Lucifer, Leviathan, Asmodeus, Dark Angel, White Lady etc. One supposedly messaged me, asking why I was “very silent” and not participating in their "chats". It confused me and thought my cellphone was possessed and a dark entity was using it. As my condition improved, not for long, I lost that cellphone without a trace.
Not long after that strange occurrence, my physical and mental health began to deteriorate. I sought help wherever I could, going from one clinic to another, even to spiritual healers, joining charismatic prayer groups, and eventually undergoing deliverance sessions.
In one of those sessions, a lady healing minister prayed over me using Catholic-style prayer of deliverance. She felt very restless and even sweating. Afterward, she told me she had seen two or more plumes of smoke rise from my body. I didn’t feel anything myself, but her words left me deeply unsettled.
I was also advised to destroy anything that could serve as a supposed “portal” for evil spirits, including my horror DVD collection. So I gathered a box full of those movies and brought them to be burned. Even my book on yoga was not spared, as it, too, was considered a potential source of negative influence.
Ironically, what none of us realized at the time was that the real culprit behind all the trouble was probably my cellphone.
One Saturday, I attended a prayer activity with same charismatic group along with my mother and my three kids. On that day, I discovered a long message saved in the drafts folder of my cellphone. It was written in straight English and said things along the lines of me being a hypocrite, pretending to be good but actually bad, and that everything I did was useless (not the exact words because I deleted it immediately, it was something like that and quite long). But as I looked at the time stamp, it was sent between 12 noon and 1 p.m., exactly when we were in the praise session.
My phone had been in my pocket the entire time. I even confronted my kids to see if they had played with my phone, but they insisted they hadn’t, and at their young age, they weren’t capable of composing a message like that anyway.
On the bright side, I began to notice a shift in the months that followed. Gradually, things improved. When I later tried to meet the same deliverance minister again, she seemed to avoid me. It was confusing, was she seeing a demon or two going out of me and was afraid? But I couldn’t deny that something spiritual had taken place.
Suspect #2: Panic Attacks and Anxiety
The physical symptoms I described, especially shortness of breath, palpitations, weakness, fit very well with panic attacks, a form of anxiety disorder. During such episodes, I often felt like I couldn’t breathe, which triggered thoughts of fainting or dying. That must have amplified my fear, making the attacks more frequent and intense.
What happened during a panic attack
I believe that panic attacks are often triggered by a combination of fear, nervousness, and a rapid heart palpitations that lead to shortness of breath. When the breathing becomes shallow, the brain receives less oxygen, and this lack of oxygen intensifies the sense of danger. That’s when frightening thoughts like fainting or even dying, rush in, making the episode feel overwhelming and uncontrollable.
A way to recover from a panic attack
What helped me in the moment was a kind of self-regulation breathing technique: when the panic hit, I would inhale deeply, hold my breath for a long count, then exhale slowly while counting “one to ten.” I repeated this until I calmed down. Over time, this practice gave me more control. Little by little, the panic attacks became less devastating that I don't need to rush to E.R. anymore.
Proper breathing techniques can help interrupt the cycle. By intentionally taking slow, deep breaths, drawing in as much air as possible and holding it briefly, you allow oxygen levels in the brain and body to stabilize. This can help calm the physical symptoms and gradually bring the mind back to a sense of safety. With practice, this method can become a reliable tool for easing the intensity of a panic attack and helping a person regain control.
On My Battle On Depression
In one period of my life, back in my teenage years sometime in the late ’80s and early ’90s while I was in the seminary, I had no idea that what I was experiencing was actually depression. All I knew was that I felt an overwhelming, consuming sadness. It wasn’t the usual teenage angst; it was a deep emotional heaviness that followed me everywhere. There were triggers and real reasons to feel that way of course.
In those days, I was so lost in sorrow that I wished for drastic things, war, disaster, even the end of the world, believing that if everything was destroyed, then perhaps the pain, the emptiness, and the silent suffering I carried would finally disappear. I even remember one moment alone in my room when I attempted to slash my wrist. The only thing that stopped me was my fear of blood and open wounds. Looking back, had that fear not held me back, I might not be here today.
Clinging up to hope
Even after I left the seminary in October of 1991, those feelings stayed with me. At one point, being idle for a period of time made me anxious, low, and uninterested in anything. My mind and body felt unbearably sick, not with fever or any clear physical ailment, but with a deep weakness, a heaviness that made even the simplest tasks difficult. And yet, in the midst of that darkness, I held on to one thing: the decision not to lose hope. Even if that hope was faint and fragile, it was the one thread that kept me from falling apart completely.
What helped me
Back in the early 1990s, search engines didn’t exist yet; there was no Google to tell you what your symptoms might mean or how you could cope or a ready hotline to call when things lead to something dreadful. So I turned to what was available to me: self-help books. I bought whatever I could find and read them repeatedly. Those books became my silent mentors. They offered guidance, comfort, and a sense of direction during a time when I felt emotionally isolated and lacked the moral and emotional support I desperately needed from the people around me.
I also opened up about my emotional struggles to a trusted confidant, a priest whom I deeply respected. Through our thoughtful and honest letter exchanges, I found myself gradually guided toward clarity and understanding. His insights and compassionate responses became a source of strength, helping me navigate my confusion and pain. Over time, those conversations played a meaningful role in my healing.
Slowly, step by step, I began to rebuild myself. I started regaining a more positive outlook on life. I learned to love myself rather than despise my own existence. And perhaps most importantly, I found the strength to forgive, to release the bitterness toward those who I believed contributed to my emotional suffering. That forgiveness became part of my healing, allowing me to move forward with a lighter and stronger heart.
What contributes to depression
I have come to believe that depression, in some ways, is formed through our habits over time. What we repeatedly think and feel begins to shape who we are. Feeling sad for a day or two is natural, everyone experiences that. But when sadness stretches on for weeks or months, it can start to embed itself into our daily patterns and our subconscious mind. Even when the mind wants to think positively, it struggles, because it has grown used to sadness; the mind’s “memory” so to speak, becomes conditioned to return to that emotional state.
It’s similar to the effects of prolonged grief: when someone we love passes away and we continue mourning without moving toward healing, the sorrow can slowly consume us and lead to depression. It becomes harder to step away from the pain, and eventually it takes a toll on our health. This often happens because we dwell on the loss repeatedly, sometimes so habitually that we don’t realize how deeply it is affecting us.
A way out of depression
Recovering from that cycle requires intentional effort. Aside from professional help, we need to consistently feed our minds with thoughts of hope, gratitude, and positivity, whatever it takes, day after day. Over time, just as old files in a computer can be replaced or overwritten, those deeply rooted sad memories and negative emotional patterns can gradually lose their power. Little by little, with constant effort, the mind makes room for healthier, more uplifting thoughts. Sooner, positive thinking becomes a habit. It isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, but with persistence, the inner landscape of the mind can begin to change.
"Living with anxiety and depression is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point that it's the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear."
But What Are Anxiety and Depression, Really?
Anxiety and depression are no longer just abstract psychological terms, they are very real, very serious, and deeply personal challenges for many people today. Recently, a priest, someone many would see as a spiritual pillar, tragically chose to end his life, and a celebrity’s child succumbed to despair and did the same, it shows how these struggles transcend social status, faith, and public image. These are not issues we can afford to take lightly.
To understand my experience, it helps first to frame what anxiety and depression are, from a medical and psychological perspective.
Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders involve more than just occasional worry or stress. According to medical definitions, they are characterized by persistent fear or dread, often without a clear or proportional cause.
Symptoms can include:
• Constant and excessive worrying
• Physical signs include muscle tension, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, restlessness
• Difficulty relaxing, overthinking, and imagining worst-case scenarios.
Depression
Depression (clinically known as major depressive disorder, among other types) goes beyond feeling “sad.” It is a serious mental health condition marked by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, and a range of emotional and physical symptoms.
Some of the core features include:
• Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or worthlessness
• Changes in sleep, appetite, or energy levels
• Difficulties in concentration, and possibly thoughts of self-harm or suicide.
Overlap and Co-Occurrence
Importantly, anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. Many people don’t have just one, up to 60% of individuals with one condition will experience some symptoms of the other.
This overlap can be understood through models like the Tripartite Model, which breaks down shared and distinct symptoms into:
• Negative affect (common to both) - general distress, sadness, worry
• Low Positive affect (more linked to depression) - lack of enjoyment or pleasure
• Physiological hyperarousal (more linked to anxiety) - physical symptoms like racing heart or sweating
A Message to Others Who Are Struggling
If you are going through something like this, don’t ignore it. These feelings are not just “in your head” in a dismissive way; they are real, and help is available.
You may need more than just medicine, or just prayer, sometimes both. It’s okay to reach out to mental health professionals and your faith community.
Recovery may not be linear. There may be setbacks. But the fact that I found a way through, with fear, with turmoil, and with uncertainty, gives me hope that others can too.
If thoughts of suicide ever come in: please, reach out immediately to someone you trust, a mental health hotline, or a professional. You do not have to face that alone.
Final Thoughts
Anxiety and depression are powerful forces. They can make life feel unbearable, even for those we think are the strongest. But my story, excessive sadness and worthlessness, panic attacks, spiritual disturbance, and long nights of fear, also shows that there can be a way out.
My healing came not from ignoring the pain, but from facing it: navigating through it with hope, breathing through it, praying through it, and quietly building resilience step by step.
I still carry the memory of those dark days, but they no longer define me. If anything, they remind me how important it is to hold on to hope, how precious every breath is, how fragile and yet how strong the human spirit can be.